Sunday, May 30, 2010

"The man's, uh........he reads poetry out loud, alright?"

With all the other bullshit stress I deal with on a daily basis, the last thing I wanted to see on the front page of the Herald today was the passing of Dennis Hopper. Like Ronnie James Dio leaving this earth but any member of Nickelback being allowed to stay, I'm angry that God took Dennis but left all the mongoloid fuckwits from the Twilight movie series. Although I won't give any of the new crop of vacuous assclowns that make the equally vacuous soccer moms and tweens of America moist in the cotton briefs, I will, however, give several examples to make my case that we lost a huge talent this weekend.

Apocalypse Now is, as far as I'm concerned, the greatest triumph in the pursuit of genius cinema. Dennis Hopper plays a photojournalist who has gone insane and is living in the wilds of Cambodia with the equally wild Colonel Kurtz. He has two monologues that were cornerstones of the film and prime examples of why no one but Hopper could bring that role into flesh and blood like he could. First is at the beginning of the clip, the second is at 6:20. They are both equally spellbinding but the first one takes on a whole new poignancy in the wake of Hopper's passing...

Watch and be amazed.



Then, of course, there's the epic 10 minutes between Dennis and Christopher Walken in True Romance:



And the encore - a classic scene from Blue Velvet. I saw a documentary about Roy Orbison recently that said he was initially horrified by David Lynch's use of "In Dreams" for this sequence, but eventually came to love and embrace it. If that's the case then Roy Orbison was even cooler than I thought, and I already thought he was pretty damn cool.

Friday, May 28, 2010

How To Spend A Big Wad Of Cash Really Quickly (When The Stones Aren't On Tour)

It's official: as of half-past 5 this afternoon I am - as far as the DMV is concerned - once again a resident of the Commonwealth Of Massachusetts. You may be wondering why it's taken me almost three years to finally acquiesce; that's a story for another day and, for tax reasons, best told in private.

Becoming a legit Bay Stater for the third time only cost me 3 trips to Revere and $620. (Pay your citations on time, people. Apparently they don't just disappear...especially the ones from when you got caught going reeeeally fast.)

Observations from my third (but certainly not final) trip there:

1) I figured out a sure-fire way to positively ID someone as a member of the sub-species White Trash: if they're loudly having a domestic quarrel on the phone with their significant other in a room full of strangers who are trying very hard to mind their own business, it's a definite. If they're pacing throughout the entire waiting area while having said conversation, they're more than likely at the top of the food chain in their tenement ecosystem. At one point - no joke - I heard the woman say into the phone, "Theh's a ton of people heeya, of course you heeya otha people tahkin! Theh's gotta be a hundred of them! Damn right I'm tahkin' to you right now; you keep calling me, so why not?"

2) White people of all ages simply cannot wait in a line - even if there's a television running and perfectly reasonable benches to sit on. I'm known to be impatient myself, but with an iPhone full of games I never bat an eye any more. If I didn't have it with me, I would have brought a book or the latest Q Magazine. Anyone who goes to the DMV expecting to have their concerns expedited are probably too impaired to operate a motor vehicle in the first place, as far as I'm concerned. What did the Dominican guy do? Waited patiently while his lady friend stroked his head. What did the black guy do? Played with his toddler for an hour. The smile never left his face. I don't blame him; I've been there, and it doesn't leave mine, either. What did the Asian folks do? Read the Asian-only newspaper. Never spoke up once.

White people: the idea of us being the only race of any importance was exposed as fraudulent quite some time ago. Your license is no more pressing an issue than anyone else's. Fat lady who won't stop bitching to everyone around you about the long wait? Go outside. Walk to Revere Beach and back. You could use it. Oh, and take the chubby chick sitting on the next bench with you. Judging by how much she's complaining, she'll be applying for your shape and disposition in about 25 years.

3) With that in mind, I did notice that the finest pieces of Womanity that were waiting their turn were also the quietest and most agreeable. Something for you all to chew on, I'd say. I know I'd certainly like to chew on her. The thought, I mean. The feminine thought...nevermind.

4) It's amazing what registration fees seem to disappear when you show the clerk some respect. I'm not saying my new friend Don (DMV Don From Danvers, as I like to call him) did anything illegal for me, but I am saying he appreciated my patience and my asking if I could use my cell phone to calculate some charges. (They have a strict no-cell policy at the DMV and the fact that I even asked made an impression.) Nothing illicit went down nor were any corners cut, but I'm quite sure Don picked up the phone a few times he didn't need to in order to make my life easier and insure that my business was taken care of before the weekend. All I know is that the gal yesterday said I would owe $670; after investigating my file, Don figured out that the extra $50 didn't apply to me.

So Trevor and I will eat like rock stars this weekend. Why? I took the time to extend some courtesy. Wasn't hard. Sometimes it gets me free product at the hair salon, sometimes it gets me out of a registration fee, sometimes it gets me nothing. But it always feels good to not act like an inappropriate asshole.




Enjoy the long weekend. Don't speed. The cops is out there looking for your rubber-burning ass.

xoxo

Monday, May 24, 2010

Perfect.



No matter how broke I am or how desperate things may seem, I always have an extra two dollars to give to a homeless dude with originality.

While helping him light his cigarette, I also noticed he had vintage Smashing Pumpkins blaring from the headphones around his neck that were connected to his cassette Walkman. Double points awarded for exemplary taste in music and a truly retro personal audio device.

Excellent.

Monday, May 17, 2010

"Nothing comes close to the Golden Coast..."


Katy Perry's new single, "California Gurls."



Out-of-the-park amazing. I'm betting this is going to be a huge hit this summer and I'm not surprised they released it 3 months before the record is supposed to drop in August.

Take a listen here and then - with a straight face - try and tell me it's not the catchiest 4 minutes of music you've heard all year.

Fair play to Snoop Dogg, as well. I'm fairly certain that R.E.M. had pure intentions when they featured the mighty KRS-One on "Radio Song" 20 years ago (making it okay for just about anyone to do it), but it's still rare for the "Yo-Yo-Yo! Cameo" to do anything other than seem out of place or overpowering. Usually the collaboration is at the record label's behest, and 9 times out of 10 it's to bolster an otherwise weak composition and/or curry favor with a youth culture that is so starved for good music it wouldn't know a good tune if it backhanded them. In this case, not only does Snoop and his contribution serve the song, it actually enhances it; because it wasn't necessary in the first place and it's a great section.

Because there's so many producers involved it's difficult to predict whether or not Teenage Dream will have a cohesive feel, but if this track's any indication of the vibe then I'm sold. "California Gurls" is just slathered in Grade-A influences from the late-70's/early-80's: Prince, early Madonna, Morris Day & The Time, Shalamar, Kool & The Gang, Earth Wind & Fire...the list is endless. Any musician worth his or her salt who was born before the Reagan administration will agree that the song sounds like it could have easily been cut at Paisley Park Studios with Rick James at the mixing desk.

The best part is that an entire generation of kids who weren't even born when "September" or "Raspberry Beret" were a staple of FM radio are going to fall in love with those songs without even knowing it. It's quite possibly the most productive example of musical subversion I've heard in a very long time.

Katy gets points for being one of the few standout artists who also happen to write great songs and she's obviously got impeccable taste in rap; she loses points for using more than a half-dozen producers on her new record. Possibly that lack of good judgment is also why she's not only guilty of dating Russell Brand, but accepting his marriage proposal. As we all know, writing great songs doesn't keep you from making lousy romantic choices. I'm just as guilty.



Regardless, the new single is brilliant. I have a feeling I'll have it on perpetual repeat until at least after Memorial Day.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

A "Rainbow In The Dark," indeed....


Sad, sad day for rock and roll. Ronnie James Dio finally succumbed to stomach cancer at 67. Here's Wendy Dio's official statement.

I saw Dio years ago on his Magicka Tour and I think the thing that pushed me over the edge to get tickets was not just because Dio absolutely rules, but because Yngwie Malmsteen was opening up and I just had to see that Cabbage Patch Doll-looking fucker do his shtick live. It was at the Worcester Palladium, one of the last places in the Commonwealth Of Massachusetts that you can go and see a ridiculously over-the-top metal show.

Yngwie was what I expected - laughably bombastic, bloated physicially and metaphorically, doing his best to make sure that when you look up "musical masturbation" in the dictionary it says "see Yngwie Malmsteen." In other words, he didn't disappoint in the slightest.

Dio was also what I expected - a kickass metal show. They played a handful of tunes off their latest record and stuffed as many hits into the rest of the set. Ronnie crouched and leered around the stage, aping theatrically and doing his best to visually interpret the lyrics with every gesture. You haven't lived until you've seen Ronnie James Dio perform "Holy Diver" live...visually or sonically. In other words, he didn't disappoint in the slightest.

A radio deejay friend of mine - Dave Lawrence - interviewed Ronnie several times and corroborated the unanimous impression he left on fans and industry people as one of the most genuinely nice guys in rock and roll. He basically made the devil horns we now see at every concert (regardless of genre) cool, and gave new fuel to a legion of Devil Music Preachers. For both of these things - to say nothing of his unbelievable musical legacy - I am eternally grateful and totally bummed it's officially come to an end.

Why God, why? Why take Ronnie but leave us Chad Kroeger? Why is it okay for Nickelback to continue but Heaven & Hell to stop? I know, I know...Your ways are not our ways....

RIP, RJD