It's official: as of half-past 5 this afternoon I am - as far as the DMV is concerned - once again a resident of the Commonwealth Of Massachusetts. You may be wondering why it's taken me almost three years to finally acquiesce; that's a story for another day and, for tax reasons, best told in private.
Becoming a legit Bay Stater for the third time only cost me 3 trips to Revere and $620. (Pay your citations on time, people. Apparently they don't just disappear...especially the ones from when you got caught going reeeeally fast.)
Observations from my third (but certainly not final) trip there:
1) I figured out a sure-fire way to positively ID someone as a member of the sub-species White Trash: if they're loudly having a domestic quarrel on the phone with their significant other in a room full of strangers who are trying very hard to mind their own business, it's a definite. If they're pacing throughout the entire waiting area while having said conversation, they're more than likely at the top of the food chain in their tenement ecosystem. At one point - no joke - I heard the woman say into the phone, "Theh's a ton of people heeya, of course you heeya otha people tahkin! Theh's gotta be a hundred of them! Damn right I'm tahkin' to you right now; you keep calling me, so why not?"
2) White people of all ages simply cannot wait in a line - even if there's a television running and perfectly reasonable benches to sit on. I'm known to be impatient myself, but with an iPhone full of games I never bat an eye any more. If I didn't have it with me, I would have brought a book or the latest Q Magazine. Anyone who goes to the DMV expecting to have their concerns expedited are probably too impaired to operate a motor vehicle in the first place, as far as I'm concerned. What did the Dominican guy do? Waited patiently while his lady friend stroked his head. What did the black guy do? Played with his toddler for an hour. The smile never left his face. I don't blame him; I've been there, and it doesn't leave mine, either. What did the Asian folks do? Read the Asian-only newspaper. Never spoke up once.
White people: the idea of us being the only race of any importance was exposed as fraudulent quite some time ago. Your license is no more pressing an issue than anyone else's. Fat lady who won't stop bitching to everyone around you about the long wait? Go outside. Walk to Revere Beach and back. You could use it. Oh, and take the chubby chick sitting on the next bench with you. Judging by how much she's complaining, she'll be applying for your shape and disposition in about 25 years.
3) With that in mind, I did notice that the finest pieces of Womanity that were waiting their turn were also the quietest and most agreeable. Something for you all to chew on, I'd say. I know I'd certainly like to chew on her. The thought, I mean. The feminine thought...nevermind.
4) It's amazing what registration fees seem to disappear when you show the clerk some respect. I'm not saying my new friend Don (DMV Don From Danvers, as I like to call him) did anything illegal for me, but I am saying he appreciated my patience and my asking if I could use my cell phone to calculate some charges. (They have a strict no-cell policy at the DMV and the fact that I even asked made an impression.) Nothing illicit went down nor were any corners cut, but I'm quite sure Don picked up the phone a few times he didn't need to in order to make my life easier and insure that my business was taken care of before the weekend. All I know is that the gal yesterday said I would owe $670; after investigating my file, Don figured out that the extra $50 didn't apply to me.
So Trevor and I will eat like rock stars this weekend. Why? I took the time to extend some courtesy. Wasn't hard. Sometimes it gets me free product at the hair salon, sometimes it gets me out of a registration fee, sometimes it gets me nothing. But it always feels good to not act like an inappropriate asshole.
Enjoy the long weekend. Don't speed. The cops is out there looking for your rubber-burning ass.
xoxo
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